What Does Your Workout Attire Say About You?

Guys, whether you know it or not, others judge you by your gym clothes. Should you care? That's up to you, but lack of awareness is not an option. Clothes communicate. Yes, I’m talking to you right now – so stop what you’re doing and take a look in the mirror.

You’re welcome.

Matchy-Matchy. Say hello to your cold, overprotective mother.

All Black Everything. You currently or previously lived in New York, or want everyone to think you did. 

Footwear that Ensconces Each Toe Individually. You really like toes. This one is very simple. Sit down. Slowly remove – one toe at a time – then dispose down the trash chute. 

University Logo Wear Head-to-Toe. You went to school there and want everyone to know. You didn’t go to school there and want everyone to think you did. One is as bad as the other. 

Professional Sports Logo Wear Head-to-Toe. You’re a fan, we’ll give you that. Less well-known is the fact you’re currently stalking someone.

Super Tight or Super Baggy Anything. You’re way to proud for all the wrong reasons. No nipples. No see through anything. No hanging out anything. There is a third way. Find it. Live it.

Kiton Double-Faced Cashmere Top and Bottoms, Gold Rolex Paul Newman Daytona, Lanvin Sneakers. Really? You’re working out with Kanye and Jay-Z? At Lake Como? 

Sweat Stained White T-shirt, Clownish Sweat Pants Circa 1977. John Wayne Gacy is calling – he wants his clothes back.

True Religion’s Paired With Timberland Khaki Colored Boots, Thermal T. Really? You’re working out with Kanye and Jay-Z? At Barclays Center?

Serape, Sony Walkman Cassette Player Draped Over Your Body with a Leather Strap Playing the Theme Song from The Good, The Bad The Ugly (On Loop). You have a fever and the only prescription is more cowbell. Always. More cowbell.

Over 65 Years Old, Wearing a Tank Top That’s Way Too Tight. No. Unless you’re married to Helen Mirren or Jane Fonda, in which case you may disregard everything I’ve said here and do as you please.

Shorty Short Gym Shorts, Tall Tube Socks with Air Jordan’s. You live in a van down by the river and believe Jordan is still actually playing basketball.

Kippo Shorts. Always appropriate.

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